Haru x Water
by theedboy
Summary: This is a brief fanfic that I wrote for laughs. This is not to be taken seriously. Be warned there is some water on human action in this story.
1. Haru x Water

Haru took a deep breath and put his feet into the ocean. The water splashed up at him, greeting him playfully as he waded in. "Its been too long," he whispered, "I cannot stop thinking about you, the way you smell, how you feel against my skin."

The waves crashed against his body.

"I'm glad I could be here with you, if I could I would spend the rest of my days inside of you, soaking in your salty love until I became all wrinkled and pruney."

The waves continue to crash against him.

"Oh I did not mean it that way!" Haru said, his cheeks turning a bright shade of red, "I just meant that I wish I could spend more time with you."

The waves continue to crash against him.

"But I can't," he said "I have school and the swim team, I can't just drop everything to be with you!"

The waves continue to crash against him.

"My relationship with pool water is strictly professional!" He said hotly. "And me and my tub are just friends. God, I hate how jealous you can be sometimes!"

The waves continue to crash against him.

"I'm sorry, it has been a stressful week for me, what with the swim meet coming up and Rin constantly sending me creepy notes."

The waves continue to crash against him.

"Oh?" said Haru curiously.

The waves continue to crash against him.

He looked around before responding in a hushed whisper. "Do you think our relationship is ready for that?"

The waves continue to crash against him.

"I'm just a little nervous, this is my first time and I want it to be special."

The waves continue to crash against him.

"Oh, I love it when you talk dirty to me."

The waves continue to crash against him.

Haru slowly undid his bathing trunks and began to sesually splash at the water. "Ya you like that don't you. Your a dirty little body of water aren't you."

The waves continue to crash against him.

He dove in headfirst, submerging himself completely in the oceans vast depths.

In a bush not far from the beach, Rin watched as Haru undid his bathing suit and dove into the water. In the last few weeks, he had taken to watching Haru, record his activities, and occasionally break into his house to watch him sleep, but he had never seen Haru do something so strange before. As Haru resurfaced, Rin watched as he began to flail around face down thrusting his manhood into the ocean over and over again. What was he doing? Was Haru having some sort of a seizure? Or was he...

No, that can't be. This was not happening! This can't be the reason that Haru rejected his affections! As the tears began to well up in his eyes, Rin knew what he had to do. He had to kill the ocean.

As Haru continued his thrusting, he heard from the shore a loud yelling. He turned around and sow Rin, tears in his eyes pointing a gun at the ocean. "Rin, what are you doing!?"

"I am getting rid of what stands between our love," said Rin, choking back a tear.

"No Rin, don't do this!"

"You must understand Haru, we must do things for love, you will understand someday Haru, and when you do we can finally be together!" said Rin, then he unloaded the gun into the water.

"No!" cried Haru as he leapt in front of the gun, catching the bullets with his chest. His body collapsed into a bloody heap into the waves.


	2. Harulhu

"No!" cried Rin, dropping the gun and falling to his knees as Haru's lifeless body floated on the waves. "Why Haru? How could you be so stupid!? Why would you throw your life away like that?"

Suddenly Haru's body started to twitch violently. "Haru? What's going on? Are you alright?" said Rin, slowly backing away from Haru's bloody corpse. Haru slowly began to get up and it was clear that something was very, very wrong with him.

"Haru! Haru what are you doing!" cried Rin as he continued to backtrack from Haru.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" said Haru, as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and large bat like wings began to sprout from his back. Large, slimy tentacles began to erupt from his mouth and his skin began to turn a sickly green.

"Oh dear God," whispered Rin as Haru began to grow to several times his size. With the horrific transformation complete, Haru now stood several stories tall, his skin was now scaly and green, and his head looked like a large octopus. Haru (or Harulhu as he will now be referred to as,) lifted a large claw like hand and smashed Rin into the ground, leaving a bloody stain where the swimmer used to be.

His lust for vengeance sated, Harulhu let out a terrifying roar and turned his attention to the coast town and began to make his way to the center of town destroying all in his way. Terrified citizens ran for their lives as the eldritch abomination came crashing through the streets, killing all in its wake.

"Haru-chan!" cried Makoto, as he ran out into the middle of the street in front of Harulhu. "What are you doing? Why are you doing this? If you don't stop then..." Makoto was cut off mid sentence when Harulhu crushed him under his massive foot.

Who will stop Harulhu's destructive rampage? Find out next time on Haru x Water!


	3. Slamman Jamann

About two miles away from the rampaging Harulhu, the military had set up a temporary command post to coordinate strikes against the monster. Lead by General Hādoshiri, the military had assaulted the beast for two hours to seemingly no effect. "Damn it!" cried the General, slamming his fist against the table, "Nothing seems to be able to stop this thing! We have tried everything bullets, tanks, jets none of them have any effect on the creature!"

"Not quite everything," said Lieutenant Oshiriokenmei, "We still have one ace up our sleeve."

"You can't possibly be talking about..." said the General, not believing the words coming from the lieutenant's mouth.

"I am," said Oshiriokenmei, deadly serious.

"Project Dolphin Typhoon Kick," they both said in unison.

Harulhu let out a triumphant roar as his smashed the Samezuka Academy to smithereens. The only part of the school left standing was the swimming pool, that had miraculously survived the ferocious attack. As he moved away from the wreckage of the school, Harulhu heard a loud crashing noise and turned to see a large mech drop from the sky.

Inside the mech cockpit, Nagisa and Rei prepared themselves for combat."Are you ready Rei-chan?" asked Nagisa.

"All systems are online, I am ready Nagisa-chan," replied Rei.

"Alright, lets kick some ass!" shouted Nagisa as he and Rei piloted the mech forward, toward the eldritch abomination that used to be their friend.

(Author's note, to fully appreciate the epicness of this moment, I recommend listening to the song 'Tengen Toppa Slammen-Jamann.' this link will take you to that song. watch?v=FRiNCdqpwzc)

Harulhu wasted no time and before the two had time to react, he tackled the giant mech and began to pound into it's frame wildly with his large scaled claws. Controlling the left side of the mech, Nagisa lifted it's arm and blocked Harulhu's attacks while Rei, controlling the right side, was able to land a solid punch to the side of Harulhu's face, pushing off the raging monster. As Harulhu recovered from the attack, Rei and Nagisa were able to get back up and take another swing at the monster. Harulhu took the hit square in the face and staggered back, stunned by the strength of their attacks. Pressing their advantage, Rei and Nagisa took another swing at the abomination but to their surprise Harulhu grabbed their arm and judo flipped the mech into a building.

"Alright," said Nagisa, as they got back up from out of the rubble. "It's time to get real, fire up the hyper dolphin kick!" Taking a running start, the mech jumped into the air and landed an aerial sidekick to Harulhu's face, sending him flying into another building.

"Ya! I think we got him!" shouted Nagisa, punching the air in celebration.

"I don't think it's over yet," said Rei, as from out of the cloud of dust Harulhu let out a terrible roar, spread his bat like wings and took to the air circling the mech.

"Oh right, I almost forgot he had wings!" said Nagisa, suddenly realizing how screwed they really were.

Diving in from the sky, Harulhu grabbed the mech with both arms and began to fly up with them, lifting them into the sky. The mech struggled to get free of the monster's vice like grip but to no avail.

"That's it! We are done for!" cried Nagisa.

"Not quite yet," responded Rei, "activate sword mode!" And from out of nowhere a sword sprang into the mech's right hand and with one mighty slice, Rei was able to remove one of Harulhu's arms.

As the mech crashed into the ground, Nagisa turned to Rei and said "wait a second, we had that sword the whole time?!"

"Yes, its one of this mech's features."

"Then why the hell did we not use it until now?! You literally just sliced one of it's arms right off, why didn't you use it earlier?!"

"I was waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it!"

"Well you know then you have terrible timing then, if we had used the sword from the beginning of the fight, maybe we would not have had our asses handed to us like that!"

"Don't question the convenient plot devices! Sometimes writers need to use them so that the plot can move on!"

"Well I think that it is just lazy writing," said Nagisa angrily. "I bet that if this was written by real writers and not some half wit amature with a fanfiction account then things would be different!"

"I'm not so sure, even professional writers sometimes do things like this. I believe that something similar happened in the movie 'Pacific Rim'."

"Wait, does this mean that this whole sequence was just a meta commentary about a stupid plot hole in movie?!"

"I think so, although it's hard to believe that someone would be so pointlessly cruel as to endanger our lives just to prove a point."

While Rei and Nagisa were discussing this, Harulhu landed and to their horror, began to regrow his arm. "Damn it!" shouted Nagisa, "Nothing we do seems to have any effect on him!"

"Foolish mortals," said Harulhu, in a deep unearthly voice. "You cannot hope to defeat me!"

"It can talk!" cried Nagisa and Rei together.

"Well of course I can fucking talk, I'm motherfucking Harulhu I can do whatever the fuck I want!"

"Well he does swear a lot," commented Nagisa.

"Well of course I am fucking swearing a lot you shit weasel, you cut off my fucking arm! That hurts like a motherfucker!"

"Why are you causing so much destruction?" asked Rei. "Have we angered you in some way?"

"Hmmm, let me think," said Harulhu sarcastically. "Well maybe it's because Rin tried to kill my lover and ended up shooting me!"

"Well Rin is dead now!" said Nagisa. "You have had our revenge, don't you think it is time to just calm down and stop this rampage, before you hurt more people?"

"I guess, when you put it that way, maybe I should stop. What do you say, truce?" asked Harulhu, stretching out his hand in a gesture of friendship.

"Truce," said Rei, taking Harulhu's hand in his and shaking it.

"Surprise cockfags!" shouted Harulhu as he suckerpunched the mech so hard in the face that the hull broke and the mech fell to the ground.

"Ohhh, did you see that! Did you see that! You totally fell for it. Wow, you guys are stupider than I thought!"

Down on the ground, Rei still could not believe what just happened. He looked to his left and noticed Nagisa, gasping for air as a large metal shard from the hull protruded from his chest. "Oh my god Nagisa!" cried Rei, rushing over to help him. "Don't worry, I will get you out of here, everything is going to be alright!"

"No Rei, it's alright," croaked Nagisa. "I don't think I am going to make it..."

"No don't say that!" replied Rei, trying to hold back his tears. "You're going to make it out of this! I swear!"

"Rei..."

"Yes Nagisa?"

"I want you to promise me something. I want you to kill that douche bag, you will kill him for me won't you Rei-chan?"

"Yes Nagisa, I swear it!" said Rei, and with that he kissed him, hard and passionately.

Nagisa pushed Rei away, "you do realise that what you are doing is borderline necrophilia, and also kind of rapey since I can't do anything to stop you with this large shard of metal in my chest?"

"I'm sorry," said Rei, looking rather embarrassed.

"I never told you to stop," said Nagisa, pulling Rei's head closer to him and returning the kiss.


End file.
